Up Until Now…

Up until now: 

I’m still breathing.

Up until now:

I can still smell the flowers.

Up until now:

I can still feel the sun.

Up until now:

I can still walk on my own feet.

Up until now:

I can still see with my eyes.

Up until now:

I can still feel with my heart.

Up until now:

I think I’ve done really well.

Stand still. And Still believe.

Up until now:

You actually have it all. 

An Open Letter to my Ex-Boyfriends.

2005

You were actually the very first person I ever fell truly in love with; the one who taught me what love was, the one who showed me what love was, and the one who morphed me into the partner that I would long to be for years to come. You were the one that gave me a summer to remember, and that sweet summer of 2005, is something I still remember when the weather starts getting warmer, the birds get livelier, and the music gets louder.

We lost sight of each other along the way-but how fresh your eyes are in my memory. I am yet to see in someone else’s eyes what I had seen in yours.

You taught me how I needed to be treated; not because you treated me less, but pointed out how I deserved better; taught me how to carry myself; showed me what it really means to be in a committed relationship. You told me to never to let anyone hurt me. You made me promise you that I would never stoop to the level of other boys that had crossed your path. And I kept my promise.

You gave me a glimpse of what my life would be like with someone else, forever; I enjoyed the short-film, but longed for the feature-lengthed film.

A part of you, I know for sure, will always be with me-because without a doubt, a part of me is always with you. I feel it when I listen to a certain song, when I think of a certain moment, or when I smell a specific cologne.

But life is funny in the way that we can look back on these things and not feel bitterness, anger, or longing; we can look back and say “that was a beautiful time.” It doesn’t mean we have to go back to that time–or that either of us would want to. But it certainly was the time of our lives.

It means that we truly experienced love for what it was at a certain point in our lives, and we remember it, at least I do, and we will cherish it, at least I will, and do.

 

2009

To this day, whenever I pass an outdoor bar or cafe with loud music, I think of you–even if for a moment.

You, you were the biggest lesson of them all: you showed me exactly what I could put up with, and you also showed me what I wouldn’t put up with: You showed me the value of my self-respect.

I remember times I felt so alone-yet so fulfilled-with you.

You were my challenge. The one challenge I could never win.

I knew you wouldn’t be able to be conquered. But I still tried. I had it in my mind that you were someone who would fall so deeply in love with me that I would be able to save you. I couldn’t. And not because you wouldn’t let me-but because you didn’t need to be saved. I was the one who you never met before, so one of a kind; an original. And you agreed.

But it was too late.

You taught me that there is a side to every story. You taught me that compromise is essential. You taught me that I’m not always right.

You also taught me sometimes, it just doesn’t work out. The biggest thing I learned from you is that it’s OK to be insecure. It doesn’t block love from coming through.

 

2011

You were my sweet continuation from 2005. No other words necessary.

 

2012-now

Through my past relationships, I was able to learn a great deal about myself: what I want in a romantic partnership, where I hope to be 20 years from now, and exactly what it takes to make a relationship work for the long-term.

To me, relationships are about trust. You must be able to trust your other half. If you cannot, you have a problem. If they give you a reason not to trust them, then they are the one with the problem.

Mutual trust, similar values (both personal and social), respect, and communication are the key ingredients in any successful relationship.

I’m the type of guy who will stay up all night talking to you if you come to me with a problem. I want to get to the bottom of it, I want to solve it.

I’m also the type of guy who will never look at you again if I catch you in one too many lies. I’ve come across a lot of people who feel like it’s necessary to lie; whether it’s to not hurt the other person and shield them, to boost one’s ego, what ever the reason.

However, a lie is a lie, which goes back to one of the main ingredients from the main meal.

Communication is important too-there shouldn’t be more than one day of no contact in any relationship, in my opinion it’s just not healthy.

No cheating. Absolutely not. The only time cheating should be forgiven is if children are involved; other than that, your self-respect  and self-worth both need to be questioned.

Friends with exes?

I’m only friends with one of them, and the reason why I am is because we both still, to this day, respect each other. We never broke up in bad terms or due to fighting, drama or loss of trust; he has the same qualities I’d look for in any friend (honesty, respect, etc), and I have the same qualities he looks for. So we remain friends. It’s not always possible though-some people might have cheated on you, lied to you, stole from you, etc; why would you want to be friends with them? Even if they weren’t your ex, would you befriend someone with those qualities? Hopefully not.

As my age nears 30, I can’t help but wonder what my next relationship will be like and with whom-I don’t know the answers as to what he’ll look like, be like, or who he is–but I do know I am excited to find out.

Love,

Onur.